Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
Once upon a time, well 1812 to be precise, there was published, a fairy tale by the name of Hänsel and Gretel. The Brothers Grimm’s tale was about a brother and sister who get caught by a witch but manage to escape by throwing the old hag into her own lit oven. Just forward to 2007 and young Norwegian film school student Tommy Wirkola dreams up the idea of creating a flick that details what came next for the young witch killers. Before he came to make Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, his first English language film, Wirkola gave us the wonderfully frenzied, Nazi-zombie comedy horror Dead Snow. So delicious was his slice of gory mayhem that expectations were naturally high for Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.
Wirkola sold his concept on the basis that the setting remaining ‘old-school’ but include elements that had a modern spin to jazz things up a little. This included bad language, plenty of gore and what he considered to be a steam punk vibe. Wirkola’s concept grabbed the attention of producers Will Ferrell (yes that one) and Adam McKay who saw the potential for a franchise rather than a one-off flick. They listed their inspirations as Shaun of the Dead and compared their final movie as being similar in tone to the far superior Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn and dared to claim Tarantino and Peter Jackson as influences. Interestingly it’s only the director, producer and cast that are throwing such weighty comparisons and why not, it helps sell a product, right?
The story starts off, as expected, with the basic fairy tale as Hansel and Gretel thwart the witch that had entrapped them with her gingerbread house. Years later the siblings have grown up to become famous bounty hunters, (played by Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) committed to tracking and killing witches the world over. Their services are enlisted by the Mayor Englemann of a small village called Augsburg where, to date, eleven children have gone missing feared taken by a witch that needs rescuing back. Of course there has to be some element of friction thrown carelessly into proceedings to make it feel more substantial and here that comes in the form of local Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare, grossly wasted in a meaningless role) who feels that he and his hired band of trackers can do the job better than smug Hansel and Gretel.
Hansel falls for the red haired Mina (Pihla Viitala), whom they rescued from certain death, and Gretel becomes friendly with a troll called Edward (Derek Mears, Jason from the Friday the 13th revamp, voiced by Robin Atkin Downes) who rescues her. Still no time for them to mess around as the Blood Moon is approaching in three days and nasty dark witch Muriel (yes, they’ve really called a witch Muriel) intends to use the children she has collected, six boys and six girls each born in a different month to each other, along with the heart of a white witch, to create a potion have her coven of witches protected against fire on the Blood Moon Sabbath.
Writer/director Tommy Wirkola did everything right with his Dead Snow, mixing laughs with strong gore superbly, but here it’s like the money-men have hampered his gift with their demands, making it feel like a flick that could have been directed by just anyone, rather than that someone who gave us one of the finest and more enjoyable genre flicks of recent years.
And it’s not often one gets to say this – and hopefully this will be the last time we have to – but both Jeremy Renner or Gemma Artherton play like they feel they are in a well-written broad comedy that requires no effort on their part, and both place too much confidence on weak material to carry them through rather than deliver the kind of performances that normally make both of them a joy to watch.
Famke Janssen, as big bad witch Muriel, is the casting’s only saving grace. She remains perfectly watch-able, even with her beautiful visage caked behind a wodge of make-up. However the real star of the film is a conflicted troll called Edward, sorry Famke, who rescues Gretel and joins the good guys’ in their battle against the coven of dark witches. Edward is well-rounded, sympathetic and a joy to watch, something you’d be very hard pushed to say about any of the other good guys in Hansel & Gretel.
The preview copy received states it’s an ‘extreme version’ meaning it’s a longer cut than was theatrically released. Wirkola claims that this version has ‘more guts and blood and gore, stuff that didn’t make the theatrical cut’ (No! Really!) Extreme/extended versions for retail/rental releases is normally a good sign that the makers know their product sucked, regardless of how much money it may have made, and are looking to counter-attack negative reviews/word of mouth by making punters believe ‘OK it sucked but it’s a longer version so it might be better in those ten minutes’ – don’t do it! Pick up something else. I insist strongly!
Hansel & Gretel only just made it’s budget back at the once all important US box office however the rest of the world fully embraced its mix of dead laughs and poor dialogue. There were no advance screenings for critics, which is normally a dead give-away that the product is crap, and when critics did review the film that’s basically what they said. It went on to gross over $200million so really who gives a crap what critics say. If we say it’s shit you’ll still see it anyhow if the advertising is slick enough.
Noisy and obnoxious, with a misplaced punk ethos and needless swearing, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters deserves a place next to last year’s Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter in the ‘nice concept, shame about the film’ category, with the latter being the better film, and it’s not often you get to read that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is a better film. Consider yourself told!
