Writer/director Matt L. Lockhart’s The Watermen is a film of two very distinct halves. The first introduces the characters, two brothers, a rich ‘player’ and three lovely ladies, and the second dispenses with them in a grisly fashion. Nothing too different really in terms of most other genre flick’s design however what separates this from the rest is that for a film that’s setting up in the first act is so crass and irritating that they manage to come back with a second half that delivers a dramatic about turn and more than compensates for a first half that has you itching to switch the damn thing off.
So after the initial setting up and letting the viewer get to grips with how truly repugnant our potential victims are; the spoilt arseholes take to the water for a spot of deep-sea fishing. The million-dollar yacht upon which they are fishing succumbs to an electrical fire leaving our squealing crew marooned and without any means of communication in the middle of the deep Atlantic. They soon spot a ship on the horizon and consider themselves rescued from their dilemma. Fortunately for us their apparent salvation from being stuck in the arse end of nowhere is native folk known locally as the ‘Guineamen’ who live on nearby marshy islands and have a weakness for munching on human flesh and violating their victims by any other means possible and using what’s left for crab bait. It is here that The Watermen finally sails into motion and delivers the goods.
The standard of acting is appalling and the dialogue atrocious. When called upon to scream, hit bad guys with spades and/or die a horrible death then the youngsters deliver the goods just don’t ask them to act otherwise because they can’t. Jason Mewes is a lost cause here showing his ball sac and reminding us further than both he and his usually associated director and chum Kevin Smith are both one-trick ponies.
First-time feature length director Matt L. Lockhart is more comfortable with delivering the horror than he is with the set-up which almost seems to have been directed by someone else. To be fair though Lockhart is wearing a number of hats on this independent production – writer, director, producer, soundtrack contributor as well as appearing as a customer in the bait shop – so fair game to him for managing to make the more critical aspect of The Watermen – the latter scenes of dismemberment and cannibalism – work. Nice too to see that Lockhart has genre favourite Richard Riehle (Chillerama, Halloween II (2009), Hatchet) onboard as a store keeper who offers up bloody chomp for the guys to go fishing with.
Elsewhere there’s a joyously naff pleasure in slow-motion punch-ups and continuity gaffs such as both brothers soaking in the water only to be dry a moment later. Characters say ‘I think they’ve moved on’ (in reference to the bad guys when we all know they haven’t) and ‘Stay here and keep quiet I’m going to follow them’ (again in reference to the bad guys but so loud and within seconds of the bad guy moving on that you wonder why they didn’t meet a grisly end then) that you can’t help but flay around your seat chuckling hysterically.
The DVD’s release has terrific cover art with a skull image lurking above a ship is very reminiscent of the likes of Eighties movie Death Ship but there’s no ghosties lurking for our dispensable band of youngsters just a bunch of fellas that when talking make as much sense as the Swedish chef from The Muppets. If you’re suckered in by the great packaging you’ll find that The Watermen is unlikely to shiver your timbers but stickwith the excruciating acting and dialogue during the initial set up and bask in the gory glory of the latter half.