Maybe I’m blinkered in my notion of what determines a cult film but doesn’t this mean it has a following of sort kind? Whoever The Vineyard‘s followers are they must be a shy bunch, and quite rightly so too given their apparent lack in good taste, as they have not vocalised their appreciation on popular film sites, such as imdb, and everywhere one looks there is another review ripping it apart. And here’s another about to do exactly the same.
It has been some years since this reviewer had the discomfort of first viewing this muddled horror offering. And if one’s memory serves correctly my mind switched off during the viewing lest my eyes bleed and my brain explode from the pain it inflicted. However a huge amount of time has passed since that viewing so when the preview disc popped into my post pile I was curious to see if perhaps it had aged well and would be worth recommending as a film to give a second chance to. In a word ‘no‘. Even the trailer – the only extra on the disc – outstays its welcome at close to four minutes.
The film’s star, James Hong, has a career that spans over fifty years and numbers over 450 film, television and video game roles appearances. This all sounds very impressive, but as the late director Michael Reeves reasoned with seasoned veteran Vincent Price on the set of Witchfinder General in response to Price stating he had made, at that point, eighty four films, that Reeves had made ‘three good ones’.
And that works for James Hong too, the volume of films made is not indicative of quality. His quality moments include his appearances in the wonderful Blade Runner and the fun that was John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China but otherwise little else. However speaking of Big Trouble Mr Hong must have been very impressed with the bad guy’s plans as they have been poached for his character here Dr. Elson Po. In Big Trouble in Little China Hong played an immortal sorcerer called Lo Pan who required a girl with green eyes to marry him to break his curse and regain his physical form, in The Vineyard he’s up to a similar thing with a young lady called Jezebel.
Hong plays winemaker extraordinaire Dr. Elson Po who lures pretty, dumb, young things back to his mansion with the promise of an audition for his ‘wine-making film’. Soon the youngsters cotton on that the real reason they have been invited to Po’s mansion but not before some have fallen victim to his devious plans.
Dr. Po fixates on Jezebel (played by Karen Witter, known at the time as a Playboy playmate), although quite why is questionable as Jezebel is arguably the most boring female character to ever grace the screen, and I mean EVER. The script requires the rest of the cast spend most of their time shouting out her name trying to find her. Where exactly does she keep disappearing to? Maybe she’s got an inkling that skinny, wrinkly Dr. Po is gagging to marry her to achieve eternal life (seriously? That’s all you have to do to achieve eternal life? Wow!) or maybe her fee was rather exorbitant and meant she wasn’t needed on set as much.
As hard as you may try to follow everything that happens, and given how simple the basic plot arc is, your brain will switch off. You’ll still focus on the images and hear the sounds but you’ll stop caring about what’s happening and why as it fast descends into a muddle. There’s zombies half-buried in Dr. Po’s vineyard (which feature very heavily in the overlong trailer) but bugger all is done with them until the end and even then they kind of do bugger all again! Why the zombies are lying about Po’s abode is never really explained. Their eventual use reminded of Motel Hell by having them all rise at the end to help bugger up matters for the bad guy.
And that’s not the only similarity to the equally appalling Motel Hell as our Dr. Po has his victims provide the magic ingredient to his expensive wine as Farmer Vincent similarly does to make his fritters. So OK Po’s zombies are not buried up to their necks in soil with their vocal chords cut, but the basic idea of a much liked produce resulting from the farming of humans is the same.
To achieve the level of success that Dr. Po has, with his being a billionaire and all, he would no doubt have a razor sharp mind, able to think through and pre-empt situations so that he comes out on top each time. Not so, in fact on the evidence provided here, it’s a wonder Dr. Po kept his business enterprises going as long as he has. For example one annoying youngster in the group is a journalist and being a journalist he takes to nosing around Po’s premises a lot and upsetting Dr. Po with his findings. Note to Dr. Po – don’t have newspaper clippings just hanging around for people to discover more about you and use this knowledge to usurp your plans and THEN moan and pull faces about it. It’s not very clever of you is it!
Aside from muscle jocks and scantily clad ladies, Hong feels that by chucking in the obligatory martial arts fight (very embarrassing), and scenes that include spiders being vomited out of a woman’s mouth (hun, like change your toothpaste ok?), a snake disappearing up someone’s back passage and excessively bloody repercussions from acupuncture will keep the viewer entertained. It doesn’t but there is one moment that truly shocks and entertains for all the wrong reasons – THAT party scene at Po’s mansion. The dancing is other-worldly and hypnotic, the participants’ complete lack of rhythm convincing you that your own laboured attempts at party jiggling aren’t so cringe-worthy after all.
Hong’s The Vineyard is a mess from start to end and to flog the flick as a cult movie is rather naughty affording it a status it doesn’t deserve at all. Like the cast of The Vineyard the whole sorry mess should never again be permitted an audience and if you haven’t seen it please don’t assume from this review that it could be so bad that it’s kinda good, trust me! It’s not!